brevity-is-the-soul:

Dear Single Girls/Women of the World,

 

Let me begin with an introduction. Hi, my name is Michael.  I’m nineteen years old and in my second semester at Kenyon College.  I am an occasional singer-songwriter, a somewhat less occasional poet, a substantially more frequent short story author, and a virgin open-ended letter to the women of the world writer.  Here’s what I’d like you to know about me: I love (to a somewhat odd extent) romantic things like teddy bears, buying flowers for no particular reason, calling just to say hello, creative dates, and writing cheesy love songs.  (I write lots and lots of cheesy love songs.)  I’m not the most chivalrous person in the world, and I certainly believe girls don’t need my help to open a door or pull out a seat, but I like doing that sort of thing. Now, here are some things you NEED to know about me.  I love relationships.  I am uninterested in hooking up with girls and never calling them again.  I hate the stereotype that all guys think about is sex.  Sex is great, but only when it’s with someone worth having sex with.  I don’t play sports of any kind.  I’m approximately than 5’9’’.  I have extremely recently cut almost militaristically short brown hair.  I have eyes that change color from brown, to green, to blue (or some mix of the three) periodically .   I decide how long a relationship is going to last from the first kiss (I was off on my last one, but dead on the money with the one before that).  And I’ve said “I love you” to girls before, meaning it wholeheartedly every time I did.

 

So, now that you know who I am, it’s time to explain why I’m writing you this letter.  I hate the very idea of the dating “game”.  Pursuit is boring, I’m uninterested in pretending that I’m someone I’m not just to get laid.  You girls (sorry for the generalization, it’s not meant to be sexist, but naming names would be un-kosher) bitch and moan endlessly about douchebags, yet you crave their attention so intensely its disgusting.  Not that I’m the nicest guy in the world either, but you know the kind of guys I’m talking about.  The ones that insult you just to make you feel self-conscious enough to sleep with them.  In this modern, pick-up artist dominated world, I can’t just go up to you and say, “hey, you’re really pretty, would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime and get to know me a little better?” because that would be pshawed off.  What happened to locking eyes with someone from across the room, time stopping, breaths catching in breasts, world shattering love epiphanies, and the like?  How can my eyes catch anything when its pitch black with techno music blaring so loud I can feel it in my Medulla Oblongata,  and every girl in the party is busy getting down with some invisible male figure unsexily shimmying behind her? Who is there left with an appreciation for charm, or wit, or moxy?  

 

But that’s not the worst of it.  How about trying to go up to someone outside of a party environment?  Everyone’s so lost in his or her handheld, Internet connected world that going up to someone and introducing yourself is IMPOSSIBLE.  It’s viewed as strange to try and make new acquaintances.   If we’re not already facebook friends then what NERVE I must have to ask you out!  What gall. Gorges rise.  Etc.  But, as I am want to do, I digress.

 

My point, dear women of the world, is this.  I’m recently single.  My last two relationships turned out to be majorly poor life choices.  I tried to make women out of girls and ended up wasting my time fighting a losing battle. But, no more! I’m looking for something meaningful and fulfilling with someone willing to go the emotional distance.  I don’t care if you’re the one, or just the one right now, but I’m just about ready to try for anything.  Life’s too short to go it alone, and with all the shit that’s happening around the world, it could end any day.  Why waste it staring at artificially lit screens and talking to people you already know?   I feel like some odd anachronism writing this letter, but I’m at wit’s end with this modern world.  Feel free to laugh, send this around, or do whatever.  I don’t care.  I needed to get this shit out there, as a fuck you to the society that I find myself in.  If you’re with me, standing on the side of love, shoot me an email or a message or something.  I’d be happy just to commiserate.

Sincerely,

 

Michael (burtenm@kenyon.edu)